Some "T.G.I.F." Morning Humor!!
#1
01-27-2006 | 08:48 AM
Thread Starter
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Senior Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 544
From: Springfield, VA
Some "T.G.I.F." Morning Humor!!
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, he showed her to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, and just wanted to welcome you." said the bartender. "Would you perhaps care for a drink?"
"I don't understand." said the puzzled nun.
"Well let me explain. See that woman over there heading to the womens bathroom?" he asked the nun.
"Yes."
"Well, just wait a second." Then about a minute later, the lights went out, and everyone broke out into laughter, cheers, and clapping again. "There's your answer Sister."
"But, I still don't understand."
"You see," laughed the bartender, "the fig leaf on the statue is actually wired to the lights for the entire guest area. Kind of like a massive light-switch, and when it's lifted up, the lights go out."
"Which means...." the nun stammered.
"...That she just looked under the leaf too, Sister." the bartender said, finishing the nuns thought. "Now, how about that drink?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below to access their accounts. After months of careful research, a set of both MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required to be withdrawn.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Now line up the shifter with the big "R" and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, dump all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell person you're talking to on cell phone "...to hold on a second" and place cell phone on dash of car.
6. Put all contents back into your handbag.
7. Start talking to person on cell phone again.
8. Attempt to insert card into machine.
9. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to you having parked to far away to be able to now reach it.
10. Insert card.
11. Complain to person on cell phone about "...stupid banks putting the ATM machines to far away from your car."
12. Pull out ATM card.
13. Re-insert card the right way.
14. Tell person on cell phone to "...hold on a second." again and place cell phone on dash of car.
15. Dump contents of handbag onto passenger seat again, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
16. Enter PIN.
17. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
18. Enter amount of cash required.
19. Put diary and handbag contents back into handbag.
20. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
21. Retrieve cash and receipt.
22. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
23. Write debit amount in register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
24. Re-check makeup.
25. Put everything back into handbag.
26. Drive forward 2 feet and stop.
27. Stop to pick up cell phone that's fallen off dash onto floor.
28. Giggle into cell phone as you say to person on other end "You won't believe what I just did.".
29. Move shifter to line up with the big "R" again.
30. Reverse back to cash machine.
31. Retrieve ATM card.
32. Empty hand bag onto passenger seat again, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
33. Check make-up in rear-view mirror.
34. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
35. Restart stalled engine and pull off and hit the big yellow pole.
25. Redial person on cell phone and tell them you hit a big yellow pole.
26. Line up shifter with big "R" again.
27. Back away from the big yellow pole.
28. Line up shifter with big "D" now, and drive off.
29. Drive for 2 to 3 miles complaining about all of the "...morons on the road acting like it's a race track." as they go speeding by you.
30. Release Parking Brake.
31. Catch up to flow of traffic.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
The Birds & The Bees In The Digital Age:
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. After we interfaced for a little while, I was ready to upload to your mom, which is when we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, my data was sent to your mom. Then, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared, and said: You've Got Male!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So, he showed her to the back of the restaurant, and she proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, and just wanted to welcome you." said the bartender. "Would you perhaps care for a drink?"
"I don't understand." said the puzzled nun.
"Well let me explain. See that woman over there heading to the womens bathroom?" he asked the nun.
"Yes."
"Well, just wait a second." Then about a minute later, the lights went out, and everyone broke out into laughter, cheers, and clapping again. "There's your answer Sister."
"But, I still don't understand."
"You see," laughed the bartender, "the fig leaf on the statue is actually wired to the lights for the entire guest area. Kind of like a massive light-switch, and when it's lifted up, the lights go out."
"Which means...." the nun stammered.
"...That she just looked under the leaf too, Sister." the bartender said, finishing the nuns thought. "Now, how about that drink?"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag, and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below to access their accounts. After months of careful research, a set of both MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required to be withdrawn.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Now line up the shifter with the big "R" and back up the required amount to align car window with the ATM.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, dump all contents on to passenger seat to locate ATM card.
5. Tell person you're talking to on cell phone "...to hold on a second" and place cell phone on dash of car.
6. Put all contents back into your handbag.
7. Start talking to person on cell phone again.
8. Attempt to insert card into machine.
9. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to you having parked to far away to be able to now reach it.
10. Insert card.
11. Complain to person on cell phone about "...stupid banks putting the ATM machines to far away from your car."
12. Pull out ATM card.
13. Re-insert card the right way.
14. Tell person on cell phone to "...hold on a second." again and place cell phone on dash of car.
15. Dump contents of handbag onto passenger seat again, to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
16. Enter PIN.
17. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
18. Enter amount of cash required.
19. Put diary and handbag contents back into handbag.
20. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
21. Retrieve cash and receipt.
22. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
23. Write debit amount in register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
24. Re-check makeup.
25. Put everything back into handbag.
26. Drive forward 2 feet and stop.
27. Stop to pick up cell phone that's fallen off dash onto floor.
28. Giggle into cell phone as you say to person on other end "You won't believe what I just did.".
29. Move shifter to line up with the big "R" again.
30. Reverse back to cash machine.
31. Retrieve ATM card.
32. Empty hand bag onto passenger seat again, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
33. Check make-up in rear-view mirror.
34. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
35. Restart stalled engine and pull off and hit the big yellow pole.
25. Redial person on cell phone and tell them you hit a big yellow pole.
26. Line up shifter with big "R" again.
27. Back away from the big yellow pole.
28. Line up shifter with big "D" now, and drive off.
29. Drive for 2 to 3 miles complaining about all of the "...morons on the road acting like it's a race track." as they go speeding by you.
30. Release Parking Brake.
31. Catch up to flow of traffic.
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
The Birds & The Bees In The Digital Age:
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers, "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway. You're Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe."
"We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. After we interfaced for a little while, I was ready to upload to your mom, which is when we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, my data was sent to your mom. Then, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared, and said: You've Got Male!"
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><> <><><><>
#9
01-27-2006 | 12:17 PM
Married.
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,234
From: OK
Originally Posted by Grimmz
hahaha GOOOD STUFF BUDDY...
Oh yeah Frito NICE SIG I was like damn who's car is that? LOl...
Oh yeah Frito NICE SIG I was like damn who's car is that? LOl...
#10
01-27-2006 | 12:19 PM
Senior Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,805
From: royal palm beach, florida
Originally Posted by FritoBandito
Thanks guy, this is my first real sig attempt ever. I made it with this photoexplosion thing that came with my new digital camera. (kinda like photoshop,but with a lot less stuff) I wanna see if I can get good with it before I go buy photoshop.
umm... photoshop is expensive, are you sure you want to buy it? sending pm.
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