The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemosabe, look towards sky."

As the Lone Ranger looks up, Tonto asks "What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?"' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of Galaxies. In terms of Time, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it means the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Tonto?"

"It tell Tonto two things."

"First is, Lone Ranger dumber than buffalo ****."

"Second, someone stole tent."

 

meh...

 

+1

 

Ok, ok... How about these?

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, because everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. ..those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no brains, no spine, and the head and the rear-end are interchangeable."

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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

To which she replies, "Well, if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

Those are some really old jokes...
now it's my time on the chopping block:

An Italian Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that.

But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 months vacation and five good leads.'

 

Haha, that first one reminds me of a time when I was in Boy Scouts. On a camping trip I was teamed up with a newbie. One night I was asleep in the tent when he wakes me up and starts saying something and pointing up at the top of the tent, I wasn't paying much attention because I was tired. I thought he was saying that some of the other guys were out playing jokes and flipped us off, big deal.

While I'm laying there trying to go back asleep and he has decided not to say anything else. I realize that I can see the stars. Yeah not supposed to happen. The kid was saying that the top of the tent flipped off, not the we got flipped off. So we have to get out put it all back on. Done let the newb put up the tent.

 

It's a Friday night and Snow White's 7 Dwarves wanted to have some fun. They went to Snow White's house, started drinking and all of the dwarves got into the hot tub. They were drinking a lot and started feeling happy. Happy got up and left.



An 80 year old man just got a brand new convertible 'Vette. As he was cruising down the interstate with the top down, he realized how good it felt with his foot on that pedal and how incredible it felt when the wind went through what was left of his hair. He was daydreaming about his younger days and how much me missed them when suddenly, he saw the blue lights of a state trooper show up in his rearview mirror. '****!' He thought. Instead of pulling over, he pushed the pedal to 110, then to 120, and said aloud to himself 'what the hell am I doing?' 'I'm 80 years old, I'm a senior citizen, I really don't need this right now.' So he pulled over. The officer got out of his car and said 'Sir, it is a Friday night, 30 minutes until my shift is over. If you can give me one damn good excuse as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go.' The old man thinks for just a second and looks the cop dead in the eye. Without breaking a smile or batting an eyelash, he replies 'Well, officer... 35 years ago, my wife left me and ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

 

Your last few were pretty good

 

"A man is walking down a long road to find there is a bar ahead, he goes in and looks around while finding a table. He orders a couple of drinks and hours pass, and by now he completely hammered. As he about to pay his check, a Leperchaun walks up to the bar, the man asks if he was a real Leperchaun, the leperchaun goes yea I'm real and I'll grant you three wishes.
The man stumbling around from being completely shitfaced says alright, these are my wishes.

My 1st wish is to have Jessica Alba (before she was knocked up) as my wife. The Leperchaun goes, okay when you go home tonight, the woman will be standing in your living room butt naked ready for you. ******* right!!

My 2nd wish is to be the richest and most powerful man in the world. The leperchaun goes, okay you will have billions and billions of gold in your house, and every politician will be at your door step awaiting for you command. that's ******* classic!!

My 3rd and final wish is that i want every super car made to date. The Leperchaun goes okay, when you go home tonite, you will have nothing but acres of land with garages filled with sports cars. OMFG!!

As the man stumbles to walk out of the bar, the leperchaun goes wait!!! there is a catch, in order to have all these wishes, you must "screw me" up the butt. What?! The drunk man is confused by all of this, and asks why? The leperchaun goes, well my fellow drunk friend, that is the way of the leperchaun code, in order to fulfill your wishes you will need to do of what your asked. So the man reluctanly agrees, and they find a very big bush behind the bar, they start to get it on. within 5 minutes, the guy goes "I can't believe I am doing is, the Leperchaun goes I can't actually believe you were stupid enough to think I was actually a leperchaun.