A Little T.G.I.F. Morning Humor.
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02-15-2008 | 08:09 AM
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Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 544
From: Springfield, VA
A Little T.G.I.F. Morning Humor.
Just got this in my e-mail from my boss. It's read from a woman's POV.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Woke up at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club at my appointment time of 8:00 a.m. to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess; blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was very encouraging, as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
Woke up at 6:00 a.m. again. It took a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. I just made it for my appointment time. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I eventually made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile and praise made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
Alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. I heard it at about 6:30 a.m. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. It's almost 8:30 a.m.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other bullshit too.
THURSDAY:
6:00 a.m. Alarm is going off and so am I. But not in the same manner. As I arrive at the club, I wonder to myself, "Is it ALWAYS this bright at 9:00 in the morning?" Belinda is waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed, as her thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being almost an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda says we're going to start the day by working out with dumbbells. Funny, but I don't see any other people stupid enough to be here working with her. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, apparently as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
Apparently the alarm clock has given up even trying to wake up now. Why the hell does morning have to come so early in the Goddamn day? I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was ANY part of my body I could move without putting myself in unbearable pain, I would beat her to death with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Why the hell is she mad at ME? If she didn't want dents in the floor, then she shouldn't have handed me the damned barbells. Or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
It's 9:00 a.m., and I remind myself that due to the incendent that happened three hours ago, I'll need to go to Walmart and buy a new alarm clock.
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is finally over. I will also pray that next year, my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Now where the **** are the twinkies?
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Woke up at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club at my appointment time of 8:00 a.m. to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess; blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was very encouraging, as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY:
Woke up at 6:00 a.m. again. It took a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. I just made it for my appointment time. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I eventually made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile and praise made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
Alarm went off at 6:00 a.m. I heard it at about 6:30 a.m. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. It's almost 8:30 a.m.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other bullshit too.
THURSDAY:
6:00 a.m. Alarm is going off and so am I. But not in the same manner. As I arrive at the club, I wonder to myself, "Is it ALWAYS this bright at 9:00 in the morning?" Belinda is waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed, as her thin cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being almost an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda says we're going to start the day by working out with dumbbells. Funny, but I don't see any other people stupid enough to be here working with her. When she wasn't looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, apparently as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY:
Apparently the alarm clock has given up even trying to wake up now. Why the hell does morning have to come so early in the Goddamn day? I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was ANY part of my body I could move without putting myself in unbearable pain, I would beat her to death with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Why the hell is she mad at ME? If she didn't want dents in the floor, then she shouldn't have handed me the damned barbells. Or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
It's 9:00 a.m., and I remind myself that due to the incendent that happened three hours ago, I'll need to go to Walmart and buy a new alarm clock.
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating shrilly voice wondering why I didn't show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is finally over. I will also pray that next year, my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy.
Now where the **** are the twinkies?
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