For fans of '24'
#1
02-21-2007, 02:37 PM
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Livermore, Ca
Posts: 3,719
For fans of '24'
Sorry it's kinda long, but most of them are funny.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
When bad things happen to good people, it’s probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
The only way to achieve immortality is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
Let’s get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that ***** went to the hospital first.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never ****s up.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a *****.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
Jack Bauer never retreats; he just attacks in the opposite direction.
Jack Bauer is the only government employee that has the 24 hours on and two years off work schedule.
When bad things happen to good people, it’s probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.
The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
The only way to achieve immortality is to get Jack Bauer to say to you, "I won't let anything happen to you".
Jack once shot himself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
Jack Bauer’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
Let’s get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robbery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
It's no use crying over spilt milk... unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that ***** went to the hospital first.
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.
In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane ravaged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
Jack Bauer does not let women on top during sex. Why? Because Jack Bauer never ****s up.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he's done it twice.
Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Jack Bauer".
The "Smoothie" was invented when Jack Bauer needed information from a banana.
The truth may hurt, but it doesn't hurt as much as Jack Bauer.
If you're holding a gun to Jack Bauer's head, don't count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.
Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
Jack has broken Tony's leg, knocked Curtis out, and shot George Mason with a tranquilizer dart. Temporary incapacitation is Jack Bauer's way of saying, "let's be friends."
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
Jack Bauer is the 'i' in team.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
If an airplane carrying Jack Bauer went down over Africa, the lion would no longer be "king of the jungle".
Jack Bauer named his cat 'Chuck Norris.' Why? Because he's a *****.
Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
Jack Bauer could get off the Lost island in 24 hours.
Jack Bauer often stands in front of his microwave and yells "WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME" while waiting for his Top Ramen to cook.
During the 18 months Jack Bauer was believed dead, CTU saved over $1 billion on ammunition.
#2
02-21-2007, 02:38 PM
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Livermore, Ca
Posts: 3,719
Part 2:
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
Every time you ********** Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." **** that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.
Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so ****ing long.
Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
Peace is not an absence of war; it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties".
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
Any man can **** on the floor. Jack Bauer ***** on the ceiling.
Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16... "You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
Every time someone gets their *** kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper". It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes **** from nobody.
Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener; he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off? It's called "Black Hawk Down".
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
Shakira's hips use to lie, until they met Jack Bauer.
In one episode, there was an assassin who had the ability to throw Jack Bauer to the ground and break his rib. I hate how unrealistic 24 is sometimes.
Jack is sorry for your loss, but he needs you to focus on the primary objective right now.
Every time you ********** Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.
Jack Bauer once tortured and killed a man using only shadow puppets.
Let's face it, Jack's carrying bag makes Batman's utility belt look like a piece of rope.
Jack Bauer destroyed the table of elements because the only element he believes in, is the element of surprise.
Jack Bauer can hit two birds with no stones.
Jack Bauer saved the day. Twice. In one day.
Nobody says 'hit me' when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.
Nathan Hale said, "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." **** that, Jack Bauer is on his third.
If at first you don't succeed, then your name is not Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer sends an ambulance after he shoots your innocent wife above the kneecap. Jack Bauer has morals.
Jack Bauer loves reality TV. That's why he allows FOX to follow him around.
Jack Bauer likes only one thing about working for CTU: free ammo.
Producers at FOX wanted to add a sex scene with Jack and Audrey to Season 5, but nixed it when it took up all 24 hours of the season.
If Jack Bauer was the Lord of the Ring, those movies wouldn't be so ****ing long.
Jack Bauer found out they were making a 24 video game, and killed the makers. No one plays Jack Bauer.
Not only can Jack Bauer divide by 0, he knows the value of the square root of negative one, the last 4 digits of pi and the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices.
If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don't want to get 7 stars.
The rules of poker have recently been revised. Now the winning hand is the one with the most Jacks in it.
Peace is not an absence of war; it's an abundance of Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer could side with terrorists almost as smart as him and take over the world, but that would be to easy. He'd rather work for a bunch of retards and still manage to save the world.
Two of Jack Bauer's wrongs DO make a right. Too bad Jack Bauer is never wrong.
Swiss cheese didn't used to have holes in it until Jack Bauer thought it was a terrorist.
In the short time Jack Bauer was dead, he tortured the Devil and found the secret to immortality....and before he left hell to come back to life, he bitch slapped Nina Myers one last time.
If you want to make Jack Bauer mad, just use terms like "protocol", "orders", or "civil liberties".
You are going to tell Jack Bauer what he wants to know, it's just a question of how much you want it to hurt.
Jack Bauer went on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" only so he could phone a friend and yell, "You're running out of time!" for 30 seconds.
Jack Bauer once shot down a helicopter with a handgun. For real.
Jack Bauer has single-handedly popularized messenger bags for straight men.
Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer's alarm clock screams out "THERE ISN'T ANYMORE TIME!"
Instead of tickling Elmo, Jack Bauer shot him.
Quentin Tarantino finds Jack Bauer too violent.
Jack Bauer once killed 128.3 men with one bullet. Without a gun.
Yoda was once tall and strong. Until Jack Bauer interrogated him.
Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase "The pen is mightier than the sword."
Every time the cops get an APB to arrest Jack Bauer, half the department mysteriously calls out sick. The fire department too, just in case.
Congress authorized the minting of a 24 dollar bill with Jack Bauer's picture on it, but the printing machines broke under the stress of his awesomeness.
Jack Bauer's first job was as a waiter, he was fired soon after. Jack Bauer takes orders from no one.
One hour after being conceived, Jack Bauer was born. Jack never takes more than an hour to get out of a hole.
Jack Bauer's hands are illegal in every state except for one: the State of Emergency.
Any man can **** on the floor. Jack Bauer ***** on the ceiling.
Die Hard is the funniest movie Jack Bauer's ever seen.
Jack Bauer often has to deal with Canadian terrorists, but these events are not televised. If they were, the show would be called "2".
After being framed for David Palmer's murder Jack cleared his own name and found the real killer not in the name of justice, but because he is too much of a man to accept charity on his body count.
Before Austin 3:16 and John 3:16, there was Jack 3:16... "You will tell me what I need to know, it's just a matter of how much you want it to hurt."
If the show was called "Bauer: Texas Ranger" the show would still be in production.
Jack Bauer didn't invent fear, but he does hold the patent.
If Jack Bauer were in Rocky VI, there would be no Rocky VII.
Only Jack Bauer can be reinstated on a provisional basis four times.
Every time someone gets their *** kicked, Jack Bauer gets a royalty.
Charmin attempted to put out a "Jack Bauer Toilet Paper". It had to be recalled because Jack Bauer takes **** from nobody.
Jack Bauer knows why the Mona Lisa is smiling.
Jack Bauer is a very exceptional gardener; he was able to clip the entire Drazen family tree.
Did you ever see the documentary of when Jack Bauer took a day off? It's called "Black Hawk Down".
#5
02-22-2007, 02:51 AM
Oh hell, someone just started the Chuck Norris>Jack Bauer Jack Bauer>Chuck Norris internet sensation. Pretty funny.
I don't miss it for the world. Just for nothing I watched an episode two years ago and haven't missed it since.
I don't miss it for the world. Just for nothing I watched an episode two years ago and haven't missed it since.
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