If I could offer one piece of advice to the planet, it would be this: Don't marry for looks alone, and I'll tell you why. In a few years, when Barbara's ***** start sagging, she can get plastic surgery, have them lifted, move the nipple wherever. You can actually go to a titty bar, pick out a set of ******* and say, "I want those ******* on that woman." If her belly gets too big, she can get a tummy tuck and have a belly like a cheerleader. If her vision goes bad, you can have LASIK surgery and have 20/20 vision. If her hearing goes bad, they can install a device in her ear that will give you hearing as clear as it was the day you were born. But let me tell you something, folks: You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take; there's not a class you can go to. Stupid is forever.

One time I was watching a shootout live on CNN, and it went on so long that eventually the criminal shot himself. And the cops are complaining by saying, "He's got on body armor, he's got on body armor." And I thinking, "I can see his head. Shoot him in the ****in' head."

When my wife's on her period, she won't have sex with me at all! No way! Which is bullshit, because if the roller coaster's broken, they don't shut down the whole amusement park! People standing outside the fence going, "The log ride's still working.