Chuck Norris

Badfish · 12-24-2005, 11:48 PM

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

pimpmustangGT · 12-25-2005, 01:18 AM

CHUCK NORRIS SUCKS - hes is like the gay pride super hero - ohh yea and his movies are sh!t bombs 2! :dots:

*madmatt* · 12-25-2005, 04:49 AM

LOL love the Chuck Norris jokes.

12-25-2005, 01:56 PM

HOLY CRAP!

Damn, i havent laughed that hard in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my sides ****ing hurt!

FritoBandito · 12-26-2005, 08:26 AM

Almost wet my pants on that one! :banana:

csledd · 12-26-2005, 02:22 PM

this should be a freaking sticky lol

*4.6 Love* · 12-26-2005, 02:23 PM

Chuck Norris rocks..

MattJ · 12-26-2005, 04:15 PM

welcome to summer of 2005, and a stupid remake of vin diesel jokes...
:ban:

Badfish · 12-26-2005, 04:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MattJ

welcome to summer of 2005, and a stupid remake of vin diesel jokes...
:ban:

hey im not the one who pasted the stupid vin diesel crap, Norris could kick his ass

12-26-2005, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SpringsStang

hey im not the one who pasted the stupid vin diesel crap, Norris could kick his ass

Chuck Norris > Vin Diesel

Badfish · 12-26-2005, 04:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by slappy

Chuck Norris > Vin Diesel

Chuck Norris > *

floppy · 01-18-2006, 11:48 AM

i hate chuck norris but i thought you guys would think this is funny. it's about all those chuck norris facts..

http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw

Milos · 01-18-2006, 12:01 PM

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

excellent, hahaha

spike_africa · 01-18-2006, 12:53 PM

Chuck Norris went to a monestary in europe, and had sex with all the women there. 9 months later the 1972 Miami Dolphins were born. The only undefetead team in the NFL.

GO FINS

Milos · 01-18-2006, 01:37 PM

ahahahahaha

*madmatt* · 01-18-2006, 02:41 PM

I like the amelia earheart one.

Foster98GT · 01-18-2006, 02:53 PM

When i heard...Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong....I Lost it...hahaha.

Not to mention...Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

OFFdutyHERO · 01-18-2006, 04:30 PM

wow..... once again precious minutes in the lives of many are taken up by stupid stuff like this lol

12-24-2005, 11:48 PM	#1 (permalink)
Badfish Listen to reggae. Join Date: May 2005 Location: Colorado Springs, CO Posts: 8,889	Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day. If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong. Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom. Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." __________________ '04 2.3l Evo '86 GSXR 750

12-25-2005, 04:49 AM	#3 (permalink)
madmatt Traitor...lol Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Lexington, SC Posts: 7,929	LOL love the Chuck Norris jokes. __________________ RPMPlanets

12-26-2005, 08:26 AM	#5 (permalink)
FritoBandito Married. Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: OK Posts: 1,234	Almost wet my pants on that one! :banana: __________________ 2004 OXFORD GT Parts that matter:K&N,O/R-H,Flow 40's,Xcal2,FRPP 4.10s, Bullitt Susp. kit

12-26-2005, 02:22 PM	#6 (permalink)
csledd DSG!!! Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: Paducah, KY Posts: 3,074	this should be a freaking sticky lol __________________ CAP DSG Registry 2003 Mustang GT - daily driven check out my cardomain for more info 296 rwhp / 310 rwtq Money spent @ AM: $4623.20 1984 Mustang Hatch - low budget project

12-26-2005, 02:23 PM	#7 (permalink)
4.6 Love Super Moderator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Mexico Posts: 6,153	Chuck Norris rocks.. __________________ Go Cowboys! X pipe and flows

12-25-2005, 01:18 AM	#2 (permalink)
pimpmustangGT Banned Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 191	CHUCK NORRIS SUCKS - hes is like the gay pride super hero - ohh yea and his movies are sh!t bombs 2! :dots:

12-25-2005, 01:56 PM	#4 (permalink)
Jack The Ripper Posts: n/a	HOLY CRAP! Damn, i havent laughed that hard in years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my sides ****ing hurt!

12-26-2005, 04:15 PM	#8 (permalink)
MattJ Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: Racine, WI Posts: 10,243	welcome to summer of 2005, and a stupid remake of vin diesel jokes... :ban: __________________ 2001 Mustang GT Premium - Mineral Grey

01-18-2006, 11:48 AM	#12 (permalink)
floppy Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: royal palm beach, florida Posts: 1,809	i hate chuck norris but i thought you guys would think this is funny. it's about all those chuck norris facts.. http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=QP1PuB1R-Xw __________________ -Floppy Check out www.MustangGenerations.com

01-18-2006, 12:01 PM	#13 (permalink)
Milos Six-Gunnin' Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Bowling Green, KY Posts: 1,043	Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. excellent, hahaha __________________

01-18-2006, 12:53 PM	#14 (permalink)
spike_africa Administrator Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Orlando,Florida Posts: 7,367	Chuck Norris went to a monestary in europe, and had sex with all the women there. 9 months later the 1972 Miami Dolphins were born. The only undefetead team in the NFL. GO FINS __________________ Dustin 2002 GT Mustang 5-Speed Drag Radials,Sprayed,Powershifted WOOO HOOOO!

01-18-2006, 01:37 PM	#15 (permalink)
Milos Six-Gunnin' Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Bowling Green, KY Posts: 1,043	ahahahahaha __________________

01-18-2006, 02:41 PM	#16 (permalink)
madmatt Traitor...lol Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Lexington, SC Posts: 7,929	I like the amelia earheart one. __________________ RPMPlanets

01-18-2006, 02:53 PM	#17 (permalink)
Foster98GT Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Alpharetta ,Ga Posts: 218	When i heard...Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong....I Lost it...hahaha. Not to mention...Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". __________________

01-18-2006, 04:30 PM	#18 (permalink)
OFFdutyHERO what?? Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Michigan Posts: 305	wow..... once again precious minutes in the lives of many are taken up by stupid stuff like this lol __________________

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